Comfortzone: The fast track to nowhere

It was a sunny spring day, many years ago. I had taken someone to the station and decided to enjoy the atmosphere of the city for a while. I was walking down one of the main shopping streets when I saw a man sitting on the pavement with a cardboard sign saying, ‘I’m hungry’. Normally I’d walk past or give him some cash, but I certainly wouldn’t make small talk. On this day, I stopped and asked him if he was really hungry. A question that really did not need confirmation. Then I found myself asking if he would like to have lunch with me. He looked at me in surprise, nodded affirmatively, got up with difficulty and followed me to a restaurant a little further on. It was a simple place, and I invited him to order whatever he wanted and could eat. He didn’t have to think about anything. He enjoyed his order and told me his life story in a quiet, pleasant way. I listened intently. He told his story in a way that did not try to elicit pity or involve me in anything. After dessert, I felt good, and we said our friendly goodbyes. He made no effort to ask for my address or telephone number but thanked me sincerely for the meal. On my way home, I landed in another universe. I was walking on clouds, feeling light and blissful. I had done something I had never done before and never intended to do, and it had opened my heart.

Years ago, again. I was sporty, but I did not like climbing and heights and depths and other forms of danger. My husband and I had been invited to go caving by friends who were amateur cavers. It was December and it had been raining for weeks. In France, an experienced team got stuck in a flood. When we got to the cave, we found that the regular paths were impassable because they were flooded. The water that normally rippled peacefully through the cave had gone from a calm stream to a raging torrent. My whole body was screaming: ‘I’m not going’. Way too dangerous. After consulting with the group, it was decided to descend into the cave, not by the normal stairs, but by ropes along the rock where the water was rushing down. I was prepared to wait in the car for hours, fearing the worst. My friends reassured me that the experienced guide knew what he was doing. My husband’s face showed joy at the prospect of so much adventure. With a small heart, I gave in and set off on an underground walking, climbing and sliding tour where we had to find alternative passageways. My muscles were stiff with alertness. My legs turned out to be a lot shorter than the others’, so their encouragement to “just put your foot up here” was impossible due to the distance. It was dangerous and slippery, that much I can say. Moreover, the guide also lost his way. He left us on a ledge to re-orientate himself and would return when he had found the way. On the ledge, I was troubled by the images of French cavers trapped by washing water. My husband and I had one of our few arguments. That is, it was my quarrel as he was enjoying the whole adventure. After some time, the guide came to fetch us to continue. Meanwhile, I could feel the resistance in my body, in my thoughts and emotions, fading away. Just when I felt I was about to surrender, the final climb turned out to be the steppingstone to the exit. After a much-needed shower, we were expected at a Christmas celebration in church. Never in my life have I felt my body as present as it was then. I felt as if I filled the entire church and was anchored in life in such a way that nothing could disturb me. My cheeks blushed, my blood flowed, and I was happy.

Twice I had gone beyond the comfort zone I was familiar with. Twice I had felt life flowing through me in the form of confidence, euphoria, joy and a sense of victory.

During the trainings I give on energetic awareness and living your life from the inside out, I like to offer an exercise that never ceases to amaze me. I make a circle of chairs the size of the room, with the seating facing the centre. Participants are invited to step into the circle. I play upbeat dance music on the loudspeakers and ask them to dance to the following command. Don’t dance on the spot but always move to the largest free space in the circle. So, you go to the place where no one is standing and so on and so forth. You are always moving. The idea is to learn to take your own place and change places when necessary. It is very beautiful to see what happens. Some see no space, others sprint towards it or miss it because someone else has taken it. In some you can see the energy getting a boost. Meanwhile I am making the circle smaller and smaller so that they have less and less space to find the open spaces. Some give up, others continue to find open spaces. But this is where it gets interesting. After all these years it still amazes me. After a while, the circle becomes so small that they can hardly move. Then I dance with them, but on the outside of the circle. Almost no one breaks out of the circle. Sometimes someone will dance on a chair. Very occasionally someone will ask if they can dance outside the circle. I then repeat the instruction, and they stay neatly inside the circle. One brave participant ignores the instruction and dances outside the circle. The others don’t follow. This never ceases to amaze me. How uncomfortable their situation has become after an initially comfortable circle, the participants decide to keep moving in the uncomfortable situation. Meanwhile they look questioningly at the one dancing outside the edge of the circle.

This is an exercise, but it is also a nice mirror of a phenomenon that may be happening to you. Or maybe you know someone who is struggling with it: the famous comfort zone. That place you know so well, where you feel safe, the things you do there are not difficult, you can do them without thinking. They require no effort and your resistance is zero. It’s the zone where you stretch out on the sofa and watch series on the run, where you keep your pyjamas on until you almost have to go back to sleep, where you take the same route over and over again, where you plan things and then put them off, where you set the alarm clock several times before you get up. You know you should clean that room, or that you should take the bike instead of the car, or that you should put down that bag of crisps and eat something healthy. But you always say ‘later or tomorrow’. You can’t keep the promise to yourself. You live in your own world. A kind of bubble, a cage. Your world is shrinking. You can no longer get out. You no longer dare to come out. Your comfort zone has become very uncomfortable. If you stay in it, you will fail one hundred per cent. That’s a fact.

Your comfort zone is completely incapable of telling you what is good for you, what is not good for you, what activities you can or cannot do, or what activities you should avoid. This zone is only interested in keeping you in the circle. It’s like booking a lazy holiday. You rest a lot, you stay by the pool, and after a while you find it annoying to go out on a trip or to exercise. You are stuck in a restrictive cage. It’s not here that you start realising your dreams. On the contrary, you feel your life energy flattening out. It is killing you.

Scared? Excellent!

What holds you back is fear, uncertainty. The voice in your head telling you that you might lose your job, that you will run out of income and that a new love will only hurt you or an upbringing finger from your childhood telling you that some things don’t fit.

What is holding you back is your attitude. That and nothing else. When you want to take a step, you run into your lack of confidence, your feeling that you are not worth it, your belief that making mistakes is the same as failing. You may even feel guilty or selfish if you begin to stand up for yourself and wanting to expand your world. Immediately there are guardians ready to tell you that what you are about to do is not a good idea. They come in all shapes and sizes, some more frightening than others. Once again, you are letting yourself be influenced by the opinions of others. They are all traps, illusions, bubbles in your mind trying to hold you back. You think they are an external truth. They are not. They are internal. And that’s good news, because you can change it.

Are you scared? That’s excellent! Don’t try to fight the fear. Don’t try to get rid of it. Accept it and act. When you face the fear, you automatically experience the growth you are looking for. The unknown is waiting for you. You must go through it.

What won’t you do? You are much stronger than you think. Your dreams are waiting for you outside your comfort zone. You need courage to take the first step. You need to push yourself to pursue your passion. Showing courage is telling the story of who you are with your whole being and heart.

Choose courage over comfort

You can start with small steps that stretch your comfort zone a bit to gain confidence. Gradually make the steps bigger. They should be challenging. The more you venture outside the boundaries of your comfort zone, the more resistance you will experience, as I did in the cave. You will feel it. It takes effort, maybe some preparation, it makes you sweat, your breath may get short, you want to give up, but you don’t. You keep going, learning with every step.

Persistence is the key. When you finally tidy your house and get rid of your unnecessary stuff, you feel space. After two weeks of jogging, your energy increases, you are less tired, you are happier and your outlook on life begins to change. When you finally start the project of your dreams, ideas start to flow, partners to work with come your way, new opportunities present themselves, you no longer feel like staying in bed. Your passion is awakened with every step you take. It’s as if you’re upgrading who you are. It is no longer a burden, but a game with new rules. You begin to live your life on your terms instead of listening to the terms of others. Where before you had no control, you begin to experience control in your life without being controlled.

The inconvenience you feared so much turns out not to be as bad as you thought. It wasn’t a real obstacle, just a ghost in your mind. You go through a learning zone with a lot of motivation, where challenges are welcomed with open arms, where making mistakes means learning, where you learn new skills.

Add ‘extra’ to ordinary and you’ll be ‘extraordinary’.

The road to your success or well-being is not a path of roses. It involves some discomfort. You will have to learn to be comfortable in uncomfortable situations. A path full of challenges, detours, stops and pitfalls does not mean that you are failing, but that you are learning. You are expanding your life and professional experience. The learning process leads you to well-being and success.

In your comfort zone, you eventually lose your energy and feel like an ordinary person. This is how you experience yourself. Everyone else is successful and I am not. You feel incompetent. Nothing could be further from the truth. You are full of talents and unique gifts. Your abilities are waiting to be expressed. But you decide. You have choices to make. How willing are you to make choices? To take steps? To try something new? Add ‘extra’ to ‘ordinary’ and you become what you believe in: ‘extraordinary’. Your extraordinary skills contribute to your joy, but also to the joy of others, for your inner joy radiates out to those around you. Begin your actions and persevere.

Thriving starts where comfort ends.

Once you leave your old comfort zone, you never want to go back. You look back over your shoulder now and then to see how far you’ve come, but you don’t go back. It’s just that you realise you’ve come a long way, and that you’ve achieved goals along the way. Perhaps your project is not yet complete, or you could still walk that extra mile. It’s true, but every step of the way you’ll appreciate what you’ve achieved so far. Your pride will give you extra energy to keep going. Your new lifestyle begins to unfold. You are beginning to live the life you wanted to live. It feels natural and comfortable. Why didn’t you leave your comfort zone sooner?

All great things happen outside your comfort zone.

You thrive in your growth zone. It feels natural to make your dreams come true, to set new goals and achieve them. You’re no longer afraid of obstacles. You know that they will challenge you in new directions that will add quality to your life. You have become an inspiration to yourself and to others.

One day or day one. You decide!

Tomorrow? Today? What’s your choice? Let’s do a small exercise to experience the different systems of the comfort zone. You will need four ribbons, post-its, a journal and a pen. Each ribbon is longer than the previous one.

Intention for the exercise

Take a moment to pause in silence.
Set your intention: I want to be more open to trying new things.

Preparation for the exercise

Use the shortest ribbon to make a circle on the flour. Make it just big enough for you to stand in.

Use a longer piece of string to make a second circle around the first. It must be big enough for you to stand in.

Continue in the same way for the third and fourth ribbons.

The smallest circle is your familiar comfort zone. Take your post-its and write down ten things that you feel very comfortable with that fall into this zone. Each post-it contains one item. Stick them in your comfort zone.

The second zone is your fear zone. Write ten fears on your post-its and stick them in the circle.

The third zone is your learning zone. Write down ten new insights that you want to try: e.g. learning new skills, making mistakes is learning, motivation, using extra tools, getting help from someone else, new ideas.

The fourth zone is your growth zone. It’s the zone where you make your dreams come true, find new goals, adopt a new lifestyle. Write down ten goals of what you want your life to be. Even if you now think they are impossible to achieve. Put them in your circle. You’re ready for the exercise.

Exercise: Training your awareness

Did you just read the preparation, or did you prepare yourself? The first is the comfort zone that kills you. Staying comfortable but stuck. The second is your first step out of it. Break free.

You need your body and your emotional awareness to do this exercise.

· Comfort Zone: Step into the first circle. Close your eyes. Take your time. Notice what’s happening in your body and your emotions. What are you experiencing? Are you standing firm or wobbly? Can you breathe easily? What is your general feeling? Are you feeling any pain? What emotions are coming up? Do you feel good? Tense? Happy? Stressed? What or who keeps me safe here? What routines here serve me well, and which ones hold me back? Just observe everything that comes up. Don’t try to change anything.

After a few minutes, step out of the first zone and shake your arms, legs and body. Step into the second zone and do the same. And the third and the fourth.

· Fear Zone: What’s un underlying belief that might be fueling my fear? Is this fear protecting me or limiting me? Is it a real threat of an imagined threat?

· Learning Zone: What specific skills or habits could I develop to bridge the gap between my comfort and my growth?

· Growth Zone: What core values do these goals or dreams represent? What small step could I take now to get closer to them?

After each round or after completing all four circles

Take a few minutes for journaling or reflection. What did you notice about yourself in each zone? Did any insights or surprises pop up? What’s the difference between the four zones? Some of these may be challenging to become aware of. Just breathe and accept what is happening. It can be scary to move from one zone to another. In each zone you and your body will learn what is important to you. In the fourth zone you will feel freer. You’ll get a taste of what your life could be like if you left your limited comfort zone.

A step towards the future

After you’ve completed the final circle, pick one goal or dream to focus on this month. Then write down one immediate action you can take to move forward. Keep it small, simple and doable. F.i. Call a friend for advice, look up a local course. Schedule 30 minutes each morning to work on it.

Make it a mini-ritual

Repeat this exercise weekly or monthly. You can recreate the circles again to check your progress, which fears are less, which growth zones have evolved over time.

Celebrate small victories

Write down one thing you’re proud of, from writing down your fears to stepping into a zone that feels awkward or challenging. Recognising your victories builds resilience and encourages further exploration outside of your comfort zone.

Jump

This exercise encourages you through your body awareness to take steps in your real life. You’ll find that your fear is an illusion and, most importantly, temporary. Good luck with this exercise. Have fun yourself and others break through those comfort zone barriers. Take the risk and jump!

Hilde Van Bulck
Awareness Architect, Systemic Constellator and Advisor
Director of Education and Constellations at Constellators International