Comfort zone: the motorway to nowhere
It was a sunny spring day, many years ago. I had dropped someone off at the station and decided to enjoy the atmosphere in town for a while. I was walking down one of the big shopping streets when I saw a man sitting on the pavement with a small cardboard sign that read: ‘I’m hungry’. Normally I would walk past or give him some money, but I would certainly not stop for a chat. That day I stopped and asked him whether he was really hungry. A question that didn’t really need an answer. Then I heard myself asking whether he would like to have lunch with me. He looked at me in surprise, nodded, got up with some difficulty and followed me to a little restaurant a bit further along. It was a simple place, and I invited him to order whatever he wanted and could eat. He didn’t have to think about anything. He enjoyed his meal and told me his life story in a calm, pleasant way. I listened closely. He told his story in a way that didn’t try to arouse pity and didn’t draw me into anything. After dessert I felt good and we said a friendly goodbye. He made no attempt at all to ask for my address or phone number, but thanked me sincerely for the meal. On my way home I landed in another universe. I was walking on air, feeling light and blissful. I had done something I had never done before and had never planned to do. It had opened my heart.
Again, years ago. I was sporty, but I didn’t like climbing, or heights and depths, or any other form of danger. My husband and I had been invited by friends who were amateur cavers to go caving. It was December and it had been raining for weeks. In France an experienced team had become trapped by the high water. When we arrived at the cave, the usual paths turned out to be impassable because they were under water. The water that normally babbled gently through the cave had changed from a calm stream into a raging torrent. My whole body was screaming: ‘I’m not going’. Far too dangerous. After discussion with the group, it was decided not to descend into the cave by the usual stairs, but with ropes down the rock face where the water was roaring down. I was prepared to wait in the car for hours and feared the worst. My friends reassured me that the experienced guide knew what he was doing. On my husband’s face I could read the joy at the prospect of so much adventure. With my heart in my mouth I gave in and set off on an underground hike of walking, climbing and sliding, during which we had to look for alternative passages. My muscles were tense with alertness. My legs turned out to be a good deal shorter than everyone else’s, so their encouragement to ‘just put your foot here’ was impossible because of the distance. It was dangerous and slippery, I can tell you that. On top of that, the guide lost his way too. He left us on a ledge so he could get his bearings again, and would come back as soon as he had found the way. On that ledge I was haunted by images of the French cavers who had become trapped by the rising water. My husband and I had one of our rare arguments. That is to say, it was my argument, because he was enjoying the whole adventure to the full. After some time the guide came to fetch us so we could carry on. Meanwhile I felt the resistance in my body, in my thoughts and emotions ebbing away. Just as I felt I was about to surrender, the last climb turned out to be the step up to the exit. After a much-needed shower, we were expected at a Christmas celebration in the church. Never in my life have I felt my body as present as I did then. It felt as if I filled the whole church and was so anchored in life that nothing could disturb me. My cheeks were glowing, my blood was flowing and I was happy.
Twice I had gone beyond the comfort zone I knew. Twice I had felt life flowing through me in the form of trust, euphoria, joy and a sense of victory.
During the trainings I give on energetic awareness and on living your life from the inside out, I like to offer an exercise that still amazes me. I make a circle of chairs as big as the room, with the seats facing the centre. The participants are invited to step into the circle. I put on some rousing dance music and ask them to dance according to the following instruction. Don’t dance on the spot, but keep moving towards the largest free space in the circle. So you go to the place where nobody is standing, and so on. You keep moving all the time. The idea is that you learn to take your own place and to change places when needed. It is wonderful to see what happens. Some don’t see any space, others sprint towards it or miss it because someone else has already taken the spot. In some you can see their energy get a boost. Meanwhile I keep making the circle smaller, so they have less and less room to find the open spaces. Some give up, others keep finding open spaces. But now it gets interesting. After all these years it still amazes me. After a while the circle becomes so small that they can barely move. Then I dance along with them, but on the outside of the circle. Almost nobody breaks out of the circle. Sometimes someone dances on a chair. Very occasionally someone asks whether they may dance outside the circle. I then repeat the instruction and they stay neatly inside the circle. One brave participant ignores the instruction and dances outside the circle. The others don’t follow. This continues to amaze me. However uncomfortable their situation has become after an initially comfortable circle, the participants decide to keep moving within the uncomfortable situation. Meanwhile they look questioningly at the one dancing outside the edge of the circle.
This is an exercise, but it is also a beautiful mirror of a phenomenon that may be playing out in you. Or perhaps you know someone who is struggling with it: the famous comfort zone. That place you know so well, where you feel safe, where the things you do aren’t difficult and you can do them without thinking. They take no effort and your resistance is zero. It is the zone in which you lie stretched out on the sofa watching one series after another, in which you stay in your pyjamas until it’s almost time to go to bed again, in which you take the same route time and again, in which you plan things and then put them off, in which you set the alarm several times before you get up. You know you ought to tidy that room, or that you ought to take the bike instead of the car, or that you ought to put that bag of crisps away and eat something healthy. But you always say ‘later, or tomorrow’. You can’t keep the promise you made to yourself. You live in your own world. A kind of bubble, a cage. Your world grows smaller. You can no longer get out. You no longer dare to come out. Your comfort zone has become very uncomfortable. If you stay in it, you fail one hundred per cent. That is a fact.
Your comfort zone is completely incapable of telling you what is good for you, what is not good for you, which activities you can or cannot handle, or which activities you would do better to avoid. This zone is only interested in keeping you inside the circle. It is like booking a lazy holiday. You rest a lot, you stay by the pool and after a while you find it a bother to go on outings or move about at all. You are stuck in a limiting cage. This is not where you start making your dreams come true. On the contrary, you feel your life energy flattening out. It wears you down.
Afraid? Excellent!
What holds you back is fear, uncertainty. The little voice in your head telling you that you could lose your job, that you will end up without an income and that a new love will only hurt you, or a raised, finger-wagging lesson from your childhood saying that some things just aren’t done.
What holds you back is your attitude. That and nothing else. When you want to take a step, you run into your lack of confidence, your feeling that you are not worth it, your belief that making mistakes is the same as failing. Perhaps you even feel guilty or selfish when you start standing up for yourself and want to expand your world. Straight away there are guards at the ready to tell you that what you are planning is not a good idea. They come in all shapes and sizes, each one more frightening than the last. Once again you let yourself be swayed by the opinions of others. They are all traps, illusions, bubbles in your head trying to hold you back. You think they are an external truth. They are not. They are internal. That is good news, because you can change it.
Are you afraid? Excellent! Don’t try to fight the fear. Don’t try to get rid of it. Accept it and act. When you face the fear, you automatically experience the growth you are looking for. The unknown is waiting for you. You have to go through it.
What are you not going to do? You are much stronger than you think. Your dreams are waiting for you outside your comfort zone. You need courage to take the first step. You have to push yourself to chase your passion. Showing courage is telling the story of who you are with your whole being and your whole heart.
Choose courage over comfort
You can start with small steps that stretch your comfort zone a little, to build up confidence. Gradually make the steps bigger. They are allowed to be challenging. The further you venture beyond the boundaries of your comfort zone, the more resistance you will experience, just as I did in that cave. You will feel it. It takes effort, perhaps some preparation, it makes you sweat, you may become short of breath, you want to give up, but you don’t. You keep going and learn with every step.
Perseverance is the key. When you finally tidy your house and get rid of the things you don’t need, you feel space. After two weeks of jogging your energy increases, you are less tired, you are happier and your outlook on life begins to change. When you finally start on the project of your dreams, ideas begin to flow, partners cross your path to work with, new opportunities present themselves and you no longer feel like staying in bed. Your passion is awakened with every step you take. It is as if you are giving who you are an upgrade. It is no longer a burden, but a game with new rules. You begin to live your life on your terms instead of listening to the terms of others. Where you used to have no control, you begin to experience control in your life without being controlled yourself.
The discomfort you were so afraid of turns out not to be as bad as you thought. It was not a real obstacle, just a ghost in your head. You pass through a learning zone with plenty of motivation, where challenges are welcomed with open arms, where making mistakes means learning, where you learn new skills.
Add ‘extra’ to ordinary and you are ‘extraordinary’.
The road to your success or your well-being is not a bed of roses. It comes with some discomfort. You will have to learn to feel comfortable in uncomfortable situations. A path full of challenges, detours, stops and pitfalls does not mean you are failing, but that you are learning. You are broadening your experience of life and work. The learning process leads you to well-being and success.
In your comfort zone you eventually lose your energy and feel like an ordinary person. That is how you experience yourself. Everyone else is successful and I am not. You feel incompetent. Nothing could be further from the truth. You are full of talents and unique gifts. Your abilities are waiting to be expressed. But you decide. You have choices to make. How willing are you to make choices? To take steps? To try something new? Add ‘extra’ to ‘ordinary’ and you become what you believe in: ‘extraordinary’. Your extraordinary abilities contribute to your joy, but also to the joy of others, because your inner joy radiates out to the people around you. Start taking action and persevere.
Flourishing begins where comfort ends.
Once you have left your old comfort zone, you never want to go back. Now and then you look over your shoulder to see how far you have come, but you don’t go back. You simply realise that you have travelled a long way and that you have reached goals along the way. Perhaps your project isn’t finished yet, or you could still go that extra mile. That’s true, but with every step along the way you will appreciate what you have achieved so far. Your pride gives you extra energy to keep going. Your new lifestyle begins to unfold. You begin to live the life you wanted to live. It feels natural and comfortable. Why didn’t you leave your comfort zone sooner?
All great things happen outside your comfort zone.
In your growth zone you flourish. It feels natural to make your dreams come true, to set new goals and to reach them. You are no longer afraid of obstacles. You know they will challenge you in new directions that add quality to your life. You have become an inspiration to yourself and to others.
One day or day one. You decide!
Tomorrow? Today? What do you choose? Let’s do a short exercise to experience the different systems of the comfort zone. You will need four ribbons, Post-it notes, a notebook and a pen. Each ribbon is longer than the one before.
Intention for the exercise
Take a moment to become still.
Set your intention: I want to be more open to trying new things.
Preparing for the exercise
Use the shortest ribbon to make a circle on the floor. Make it just big enough to stand in.
Use a longer cord to make a second circle around the first. It should be big enough to stand in.
Continue in the same way with the third and fourth ribbons.
The smallest circle is your familiar comfort zone. Take your Post-it notes and write down ten things you feel very comfortable with and that belong in this zone. Write one thing on each Post-it. Stick them in your comfort zone.
The second zone is your fear zone. Write ten fears on your Post-it notes and stick them in the circle.
The third zone is your learning zone. Write down ten new insights you would like to try out: e.g. learning new skills, making mistakes is learning, motivation, using extra resources, asking someone else for help, new ideas.
The fourth zone is your growth zone. It is the zone in which you make your dreams come true, find new goals, adopt a new lifestyle. Write down ten goals for how you would like your life to look. Even if you think right now that they are impossible to achieve. Place them in your circle. You are ready for the exercise.
Exercise: training your awareness
Did you just read the preparation, or did you actually prepare? The first is the comfort zone that wears you down. Staying comfortable, but stuck. The second is your first step out of it. Break free.
You need your body and your emotional awareness to do this exercise.
· Comfort zone: step into the first circle. Close your eyes. Take your time. Notice what happens in your body and in your emotions. What do you experience? Are you standing firmly or unsteadily? Can you breathe easily? What is your overall feeling? Do you feel pain anywhere? What emotions come up? Do you feel good? Tense? Happy? Stressed? What or who keeps me safe here? Which routines serve me well here and which hold me back? Simply observe everything that comes up. Don’t try to change anything.
After a few minutes, step out of the first zone and shake out your arms, your legs and your body. Step into the second zone and do the same. Do this in the third and fourth zones as well.
· Fear zone: what underlying belief might be feeding my fear? Does this fear protect me or limit me? Is it a real threat or an imagined one?
· Learning zone: what specific skills or habits could I develop to bridge the gap between my comfort and my growth?
· Growth zone: what core values do these goals or dreams represent? What small step could I take now to come closer to them?
After each round or after all four circles
Take a few minutes to write or reflect. What did you notice in yourself in each zone? Did any insights or surprises come up? What is the difference between the four zones? Some of them may be challenging to become aware of. Just breathe and accept what is happening. It can be frightening to move from one zone to another. In each zone, you and your body learn what is important to you. In the fourth zone you will feel freer. You get a little foretaste of what your life could look like if you were to leave your limited comfort zone.
A step towards the future
Once you have completed the last circle, choose one goal or dream to focus on this month. Then write down one immediate action you can take to move forward. Keep it small, simple and achievable. E.g. calling a friend for advice, looking up a course in your area. Set aside 30 minutes every morning to work on it.
Make it a mini ritual
Repeat this exercise weekly or monthly. You can make the circles again to look at your progress: which fears have lessened, which growth zones have evolved over time.
Celebrate small victories
Write down one thing you are proud of, from writing down your fears to stepping into a zone that feels unfamiliar or challenging. Acknowledging your victories builds resilience and encourages you to explore further outside your comfort zone.
Jump
Through your body awareness, this exercise encourages you to take steps in your real life. You will notice that your fear is an illusion and, more importantly, temporary. Good luck with this exercise. Enjoy breaking through those walls of the comfort zone together with others. Take the risk and jump!
Hilde Van Bulck
Awareness Architect, systemic constellator and consultant
Director of Education and Constellations at Constellators International
